July 28, 2007
~ Randomly...
The best relationship to have may be to not have a relationship with the person you love.
xxx
I just offered my listening ears to a friend, telling me how much *quote* a snail *unquote* one of my longest-standing guy friends is.
If the zodiac sign is any indication of compatibility between two persons, I must never fall in love with a Cancerian nor a Libran ever, ever again.
xxx
July's coming to an end. Look how this year has passed...
I stopped celebrating my birthday since many years ago. It could have been almost 7 years ago. Because somehow, it's always in September that I lose many things, and persons in my life. The feeling of loneliness is extremely loud around the time.
It would be good enough if I could just let my birthday pass without much of a reminder that it is my birthday. I like it when I know, on retrospect, that I'm a year older and I didn't even remember to mark that day down.
Maybe, I like every day to be my birthday.
xxx
The appraisal that was supposed to 8 hours ago did not happen. Not unexpected.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:36
July 24, 2007
~ Randomly...
My boss is so anal!!!
Seriously, the things that are just extra work and serve no real purpose except to comply to a system. This is a SME!!! Don't run it like a Stat board, cannnnn.... Jeez Cries...
xxx
I removed my stitches today. Doc said my gums are healing very nicely. I don't know. All I could see were two pink bits of flesh joined by what seemed to be a faint grey line.
xxx
I just killed a big red ant crawling on the door of my closet.
First, it was 'many-little-ants-from-nowhere'. Now, I'm advancing to big red ants. Is my bedroom becoming the haven to some unwelcomed little crawlies?
Jeez Cries...
xxx
I've got a bad feeling about my appraisal this Friday (if indeed, it materialises). I've got a feeling both my bosses don't digest my attitude very well these days. Luckily, the feeling is mutual.
"Event organiser". My new informal designation in the office. Bestowed by Emman. I don't know. I guess, at least, there's some recognition for all the noise and laughter I contribute at work... and all those "PEOPLE, IT'S LUNCH TIME!" reminders.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:29
July 15, 2007
~ Randomly...
The truth is as you have said and as you thought to be scary. I am afraid of being happy and being hopeful. It sums up what we spoke about last night.
The shiver and the blank coldness of the fingers, the only response being to curl up and hold my own knees to my chest and not being able to speak... That was how much hope transformed into fear. I really don't think you need to, or anyone needs to, remind me of that.
What seems like punishment is just a kind of protection.
But, no. I never expected you or anyone else, for that matter, to understand.
But it was good. To know that someone cares enough to say she doesn't understand, even if she might have tried.
xxx
'Live'. Like a Chinese version of Fat Frog when it was Fat Frog. Crowd is a far cry from what Fat Frog has become now. But, she does sing quite beautifully. But they should either make better beverages or bring down the price of their mediocre menu.
xxx
Going for wisdom tooth extraction tomorrow. And what will follow is a week of medical leave. Which I will spend sleeping a lot, under the effects of painkillers (I hope). And just thinking about that message. The sms that Meisen sent.
And possibly, also the conversation I had with Wenn and Ade yesterday night, at a bus-stop that no bus will come to.
If this is the best year for me yet, then maybe I should give more thought to what I want to do for awhile more. Or maybe, what I should do. Because honestly? What I want to do is to keep avoiding and keep finding stuff to distract myself. Occasionally, when I let loose and allow for missing her, allow for the past to creep back out, allow for such sadness, it comes. And then, it goes. Nobody even has to know about it.
But, if there is really something that I should do, if life ever needs a meaning, if I ever need to find that meaning, then, perhaps I can start in this week. Or should start.
I'm getting used to this. I said before, it's all a matter of getting used to.
I still have the company of friends on the journey home. That's true. It's the reaching home and finding no one waiting for you that is the lonely bit.
I've been killing a lot of ants these past few weeks.
And how about the prayer? Has it even reached God?
Maybe I'd rent some DVDs and watch. While waiting for miracles to happen. And time to pass while I am still stuck where I am. My choice.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:02
July 08, 2007
~ Randomly...
I ticked "Financial freedom".
The question was something like, "Which of the following do you need blessing for?" The options were plenty. Health, family harmony, inner peace, friendships and relationships, career, direction for the future... and of course, financial freedom.
I thought through every option carefully while some other proceeding of the service was taking place without my involvement. I had wanted to tick "direction for the future". Then, I thought it was not like I didn't have any at all. I have agenda on my plate. And frankly, I don't give much faith to the future anyway. It's not like I really care to know the future. I had wanted to tick "inner peace". Then, I thought, something like that could be achieved with the help of medication. Some tranquilizer or antiD or just cough syrup. After all, this inner peace thing is more a choice, a pursuit, rather than something you can ask blessing for. I had wanted to tick "friendships and relationships". Then, I thought what the heck! If I'm going to be a real friend to anyone, then I will be a real friend. Why would I need blessing for that? And admittedly, I have already been blessed by many and many good friends. As for relationship, simply 'N.A'.
In the end, I looked through my options very carefully again and decided to be blessed in financial freedom. That's something that can, in turn, help in the achieving of things like family harmony, health, friendships (pay rental for books on loan from friend/therapist), career (imagine "I resign. Because I don't need the money anymore. nananibooboo!")... and so on and so on... Most importantly, that will require a bit of a miracle (like striking the Toto when I only spent one conservative dollar on 2 sets of quick-picks). And miracles are things that God is expected to be capable of manufacturing.
I think it's an extremely thoughtful decision. So proud of it! Now, I'm just waiting for that miracle...
xxx
"I love you. And there's nothing you can do about it."
That's a bit like "I still love you. So, what can you do to me?"
xxx
Sunday nights are usually spent thinking "I should have slept more this weekend. Why the hell didn't I?"
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:27
July 03, 2007
~ Randomly...
On the bus. This man sitting in front of me was reading a grammar textbook. He closed the book when the bus was approaching the stop I had to alight. I saw the title of the book.
"Comprehensive English Grammar for Singaporeans"
Thought bubble... Didn't know we needed a different set of grammar from all the other nationalities.
I mean, what is that 'for Singaporeans' supposed to mean?
Seriously perturbed.
xxx
I'm enjoying my new MRT read. Thanks Meisen! Will finish soon and pass it on.
xxx
6 projects on hand, half commencing, i.e. in the set up stage. That is why I still can go home on the dot if I wanted to. But, darker days are ahead.
The battle has to be kept up and fought on.
Shameless Snow obviously misses us a lot. He's been asking after us almost every day. No, actually he only asks about my day at work. So sweet... Life at the enemy's side must be good.
xxx
I resisted the urge to have a passion fruit ice-blended instead of just grass jelly drink. I resisted Old Chang Kee for today. I didn't resist sweet and sour pork. But, there was no more by the time I got to the stall.
That's like about $4 saved! Way to go...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:09